Combatting Tween Behavior – End the Eye-Rolling

As your daughter enters her tween years she might be gratified to find her developing into her own person – to see her pursue her interests and talents, to start relating to her on a whole new level. On the one hand you understand that she is not your little girl anymore, but, you wonder why does all of a sudden she have to turn into a monster. You know the one, the arms crossed, the huffy-ness, the eye roll and the forays into back talking. Wow – what came and stole your daughter. And while you can’t get your little girl back, you are perfectly within your rights as a mother (or father) to draw the line at her new behavior.
Around the tween stage, girls start to separate from their parents and start to seek the company and approval of their peer group. This is a natural stage, and it shouldn’t be stopped. But with this comes exposure to different values and different attitudes. While your daughter still might look up to your she might be influenced by friend who has a less respectful attitude towards grownups. And with pretty much every tween show from Saved By the Bell (remember the principal on that one) to the Hannah Montana showcasing parents and other adults as clueless, it’s no wonder your daughter thinks it’s ok to send an eye roll your way.

So what can you do to combat the new, ruder tween in your life?
- Be the parent. This is not the time to try and be your children’s friend. That stage still needs to wait a few years. Your tween is looking to you to set boundaries. This also means being the model of the behavior you wish to see. So be careful how your treat others and how you treat your tween.
- It’s a New World Order – yes the rules you used when your child was a toddler or little kid won’t work as she’s exploring her independence. You need to pick your battles and decide what you’re going to call her on. Eye rolling might be fine, but a raised voice is not. Good grade a must, but you’ll live with a dirty room. When an issue does arise, like a raised voice, stop and address right away – calmly. Don’t try to match her tone – stay calm, but make sure you let her know she’s crossed the line before you get into a screaming match. In other words, give her space to save face.
- It’s time to upgrade your punishments. The toddler time-out chair will no longer work. Positive reinforcement will also lose its appeal with a teen. Taking away privileges – video games, computer time, TV time, might work better with a tween. But like with little kids, whatever you say and decide the punishment is, do it and stick to it. And sometimes a cooling off period, (rather than a time out) will work wonders – for both of you. If things get too heated, suggest both of you take some time to calm down. You’ll both come out of it feeling the better for it.
- Schedule some one on one time – set up a date with tween for some one on one time doing something you both agree on (it doesn’t have to be shopping). Let the conversation flow, even if it’s about her favorite iCarly episode. If she’s at ease talking with you about nothing, the lines of communication – and respect will have an easier time staying open. And, don’t be too scheduled – if she wants to talk and it’s not a “date” be open to it. Focus on her and show her respect and hopefully, she’ll return it when you speak to her.
As tweens move into their peer group don’t forget to keep the importance of family. She still needs to be spend time with you so you can help her maintain the values and behavior you want. Use this time to model respectful behavior towards all members of the family, even it’s keeping family game night competitive but fun. A pleasant all-family event will provide your daughter with the space she needs to just be herself without worrying about what her friends will think of her.
Good luck and post your suggestions for dealing with your tween’s behavior below.