Parenting Tips – Handling A Tween Friend Challenge

Ahh the drama. Tween friendships. Perhaps you have the same best friend since kindergarten. Perhaps you don’t and have memories of terror filled days at school with the mean girls ganging up and making your life miserable. Perhaps you were a mean girl yourself (and wish you hadn’t been). Perhaps you’re somewhere in the middle, knowing that your friends helped get you through those dark days of middle school, but also remembering there was a quite a bit of drama in the meantime.

Well, your daughter is about to go through the same thing, and as a parent, you’ll have to be there for her. But why are tween friendships so filled with drama?

Well, there is a lot going on. Sometimes there is a new campus, more schoolwork as well as the onset of puberty which all lead to some intense peer pressure and consequently a new feeling of insecurity. This means that even small differences of opinions between friends can lead to some outsize blow outs. This is both challenging for kids and frustrating for parents. As moms, we can no more imagine getting a lasting mad on at our best friend – I mean after all, they are our friends. But kids have no such reference point or shared history.

Tack on the fact that in middle school, kids are trying out new activities and new things – the former tomboy may discover a new talent for the drama club – or may be faced with a best friend who does. And in middle school, groups of friends, or cliques do start to form. Your child will bounce in and out of groups as she starts to find her way. If she finds an activity and sticks with it, then her peer groups issues may be less troublesome, but if she is having trouble finding her “right activity” then these issues can be exacerbated.

At some point, your child will find herself on the outs. Peer groups shift and reform and some children with even low self esteem will try to control the group – the easiest way by turning on one or more members – and it may very well be your daughter’s turn at some point. If this happens, what should you do?

The best parenting advice is that this normal behavior at this point and that it’s best for it to run it’s course – without you stepping in too much. Watch, listen, but do not try to save the day (this means avoiding too much advice-giving). In all liklihood, your child will likely take her frustrations out on you.
Try to steer clear od the day to day dramas. However, do be prepared to step in if you think things are taking a dangerous turn – if bullying or its online cousin cyberbullying rears its ugly head.

And any tips you have for dealing with tween friend crises below!