School Bullies a Problem

What to you do when your child keeps telling you she is too sick to go to school?  Do you call the doctor or do you get suspicious?  If the mysterious sickness keeps clearing up just in time for the weekend, it may be time to delve into the reason your daughter could be sick of school.  A prime cause – school bullying.

It seems like cyberbullying gets all of the attention these days, but the nasty truth is that plain old school bullies are alive and well.  It’s important that s parents don’t forget about plain old schoolyard bullying and the effect it can have on kids.  Overall, it’s not unusual for children at school to be mean to one another.   As a former tween,  you can probably remember a few school bullies – especially if you were the target of one.

Today, though it seems that kids are far crueler than they were a generation or two ago.  The wish to avoid school can be a major warning sign that your child is the target of school bullying.

So how do you know if school bullying is the real problem behind all those requests for a mental health day?  As a parent, how can you help your child deal with bullying?  After all, you want them to feel safe and comfortable in their environment – whether that’s home or school.

Firstly, your child needs to know that they can talk with you about anything, no matter how uncomfortable the topic.  Get all of your listening skills ready for this conversation – like on-judgmental listening, empathy and sympathy.  Very often your child will be embarrassed about being the target of school bullying.  The reasons for it will very often sound trivial to you, but to a middle school child, they will loom large.

In order to get to the bottom of the  issue you will need to ask gentle questions –open ended ones, like “are you having any issues with someone a school.”  Perhaps telling a bullying story from your past to get them to open up.  Gauge their body language when they answer to determine if they’re telling the whole truth or trying to avoid a painful subject.

If your child is the victim of school bullying, you will need to talk about ways to deal with it.  Sometimes bullies need to be stood up to, in a non-confrontational way.  Other times they need to ignored and sometimes, you may have to go a step further and contact teachers, administrators or other parents about the problem.

The first step is often to delve into the source of the bullying and build up your child’s self-esteem and allow her to hold her head high at school.   A victim who doesn’t get upset by a bully often loses the interest of the tormentor.

There could be many reasons why your child may claim to be too sick for school – school bullying may be just one of them, but it’s an important one to address.   Do your best to be sympathetic and understanding to the dynamics of school bullies and you will be able to help your child deal with this common problem.

Additional Cyberbullying Resources Here

http://www.stopcyberbullying.org/ – Resources and information directed at children ages 7-17. Developed by the Wired Safety organization (www.wiredsafety.org) the world’s largest internet safety and help group

http://www.safeyouth.org/ – A resource created by the National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov – Audio, video and text-based resources created by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration

http://www.bullypolice.org – Internet watch dog group featuring speakers, literature and the current status of bullying legislation in our nation

http://www.bullycide.org – Read excerpts from Bullycide in America, a collection of stories from the parents of bullying victims.

Additional reading on the topic of bullying:

Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write about Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy
by Rachel Simmons

Bullycide in America
by Brenda High

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence
by Rosalind Wiseman

The Anti-Bullying Handbook
by Keith Sullivan

Joe Bruzzese - Middle School Parent Coach

Joe Bruzzese, MA, is a nationally recognized parent education speaker, university professor and author of A Parents’ Guide to the Middle School Years. Visit www.ThinkingForwardTV.com, to purchase the book, DVDS and to schedule parent education presentations at your school site.

Cyberbullying Action Steps

Hi Moms – have you been hearing more about cyberbullying – are you wondering just what it is and how you can protect your kids from it? Well GirlMogulMom.com has enlisted parenting expert Joe Bruzzese, M.A., author of the essential guide A Parent’s Guide to the Middle School Years to decode this troubling practice for us. Check out the second in our series on cyberbullying by Joe. See the second article in the series here.

Action steps for parents

1. Share observations. Sharing statements like, “You seem sad today” or “This seems like a rough week for you” may open the door to a conversation with your child.

2. Investigate. Outside of weekday mornings and evenings, a parent’s time with a child is often limited to a few quick phone calls and weekend activities. Sharing a conversation with adults who see your child on a regular weekly basis fills in the gaps of what you might be missing. Connecting with teachers, coaches, and mentors can be an invaluable source of information about a child’s life. If concerns arise about your child’s behavior, turn to this group of adults for insight.

3. Make contact. A casual argument between friends doesn’t call for a heated visit to the school’s front office; however, when arguments turn physical or include verbally abusive statements don’t hesitate to schedule an appointment with the school counselor. Bring the evidence you have from your observations as well as any conversations with adults who regularly interact with your child.

4. Avoid the Papparazzi. Coach your child to stay clear of impromptu cell phone camera shots. An innocent shot, snapped quickly between classes can eventually find its way into a bully’s hands.

5. Report it. The moment you become aware of a threatening email, or see anything online referencing your child in a negative way, report it to school administrators and law enforcement officials. Collect any abuse communication (emails, instant messages or text messages) that could be used to document bullying behavior.

Bringing bullying to an end takes a team effort. Schools and law enforcement agencies have risen to meet the challenge of keeping kids safe, but the brunt of the burden still falls on the shoulders of victims and their families. Through a continued effort to identify and report bullying incidents, teens regain self confidence and move toward a happy and healthy future.

Joe Bruzzese - Middle School Parent Coach

Joe Bruzzese, MA, is a nationally recognized parent education speaker, university professor and author of A Parents’ Guide to the Middle School Years. Visit www.ThinkingForwardTV.com, to purchase the book, DVDS and to schedule parent education presentations at your school site.

How to prevent your kids from being Cyberbullied

Left unchecked, online abuse can quickly escalate to abuse in the off-line world. The tragic suicide of 13-year-old, Megan Meier, who took her own life after continued online abuse, highlights the devastating effect that cyberbullying can have on the teenage psyche. As a result of high profile cases like Megan’s and our nation’s grief in response to the Columbine massacre, many states have enacted new legislation to extend the scope of anti-bullying policies to include cyberbullying behavior. Although California amended their anti-bullying legislation in 2003 with the passing of Senate Bill 719 (Bullying Prevention for School Safety and Crime Reduction Act), the state still falls short in their attempt to define bullying and harassment as well as failing to include legal protection for school districts who comply with the new policy. Support may not be far away. The recent addition of Senate Bill 86 would extend a school’s ability to suspend or recommend expulsion for students who engage in bullying or cyberbullying. Currently the bill sits among state assembly members after passing a senate vote. As more states begin adopting anti-bullying policies, parents and teachers could see some relief from what has become a national epidemic among the teen population.

The absence of legal muscle has given rise to watch dog sites like the Bully Police (www.bullypolice.org) and Wired Safety (www.wiredsafety.org) who track bullying incidents and offer parents resources for identifying and reporting abuse. While parents and teachers can partner to monitor the structured parts of a child’s day, most kids face feel the effects of cyberbullying in the afterschool hours when adult supervision is at a minimum. Looking for signs of online abuse takes a keen eye. With the growing gap in internet awareness between teens and parents, it’s a rare parent that can decipher their child’s online activity. Reviewing online resources and attending parent education presentations will help to bridge the gap and raise the level of awareness needed to identify and report abusive behavior.

“Being bullied is not just an unpleasant rite of passage through childhood,” said Duane Alexander, M.D., director of the NICHD. “It’s a public health problem that merits attention. People who were bullied as children are more likely to suffer from depression and low self esteem, well into adulthood, and the bullies themselves are more likely to engage in criminal behavior later in life.”

Joe Bruzzese - Middle School Parent Coach

Joe Bruzzese, MA, is a nationally recognized parent education speaker, university professor and author of A Parents’ Guide to the Middle School Years. Visit www.ThinkingForwardTV.com, to purchase the book, DVDS and to schedule parent education presentations at your school site.

Cyberbullying – School Yard Taunts go Virtual – Part I -

Cyberbullying - the Newest Online Threat

Imagine arriving home to find your child beaten at the hands of a school yard bully. Cuts and bruises highlight the physical abuse inflicted just beyond the watchful eyes of school officials. Long before the bruises appeared, your child suffered a far more destructive form of abuse. Text messages, YouTube videos and a foray of abusive posts on MySpace broke your child’s confidence long before the bully’s sticks and stones ever did.

Once viewed as harmless teasing, cyberbullying (bullying through the use of electronic devices) now accounts for the majority of abusive behavior among teens. Taunts and threats formerly confined to written notes and conversations in the halls now flows freely from one cell phone to the next before finding their way online and into a chatroom or onto a MySpace page. Nationwide, two-thirds of teens have had “mean, threatening or embarrassing things said about them online,” according to a survey commissioned by Fight Crime; Invest in Kids, a national nonprofit organization of law enforcement, The survey results revealed another, equally startling finding. The majority of cyberbullying cases are never reported. When asked about their reluctance to report bullying, teens shared their fear of losing internet access or their cell phones as a possible consequence if their parents became aware of the abuse.

Stay tuned for Part II Here

Joe Bruzzese - Middle School Parent Coach

Joe Bruzzese, MA, is a nationally recognized parent education speaker, university professor and author of A Parents’ Guide to the Middle School Years. Visit www.ThinkingForwardTV.com, to purchase the book, DVDS and to schedule parent education presentations at your school site.

That is why it’s important that you hone your online skills to help your kids stay safe and learn to recognize cyberbullying.

First off, it’s important to understand that you can’t shut the computer out of your house totally. In today’s technologically advanced world, your child needs to be familiar with computers, the internet and how to use the technology to type, search and yes, communicate with others.

Kids are just as likley as adults to use the internet to find a peer group where they feel they can fit in. A girl interest in Nancy Drew might find kindred spirits at a Nancy Drew fans site – and never face any danger. On the other hand, bullies abound in cyberspace and internet access may lead your child into the wrong (virtual) alley way.

So how can you be sure that the computer is being used for good and not as an instrument of cyberbullying or harm?

1. Put all the computers in a central place – This doesn’t mean you have to watch your child every minute of the time, but especially when your children are just getting started, keep the computer in the kitchen or family room where you can easily glance at the screen and has the added benefit of keeping the family together.

2. Create a family internet plan – Sometimes schools have their own plan in place – if so, leverage this and adapt your plan from theirs. If none is forthcoming, then ask for it. If there isn’t one, draft your own, covering amount of time the computer can be used, acceptable sites, and accpetable forms of use – shared email, shared IM… etc. If you do allow your child his or her own email account or IM, be sure to use your own email as the back-up contact and keep control of the passwords – if your child changes a password, you’ll be informed.

3. Say no to strangers – Strangers on IM or email are a No-No. Keep a watch on the IM friends list and your kid’s emails. As they get older, you can relax on this, but makes sure they do feel comfortable telling you if they get a strange email or IM – and show them how to block people.

4. Create your own accounts – You can always create your own Facebook or MySpace page and friend your kids – that way you will be able to keep tabs on them – just promise to steer clear of writing messages on their page to save them from embarassment

5. Discuss what you click on – Take the time as a family to discuss what you found on the internet -the same as you would talk about school activities.

6. Internet Research Projects – Now that Google is a verb, use this to your advantage. Use Google to look up answers to questions, research projects and settle questions. Research together, or have your child “man” the computer and relate what she finds. Consider keeping a log of your internet research findings.

With a little work and monitoring you can safely allow your child online. Just remember that cyberbullying is just the same as bullying – check Instant Messages, Social Networks and emails for signs that your child is a victim of cyberbullying. In some cases you will have to let the issue work it’s way out. In other cases, you may need to step in – but the key is to know what’s going on.

For a safe online tween-friendly environment, check out GirlMogul Magazine’s Insider Club – an online community for tween girls with great content, eBooks, games, challenges and giveaways as well as online book club.

Well, your daughter is about to go through the same thing, and as a parent, you’ll have to be there for her. But why are tween friendships so filled with drama?

Well, there is a lot going on. Sometimes there is a new campus, more schoolwork as well as the onset of puberty which all lead to some intense peer pressure and consequently a new feeling of insecurity. This means that even small differences of opinions between friends can lead to some outsize blow outs. This is both challenging for kids and frustrating for parents. As moms, we can no more imagine getting a lasting mad on at our best friend – I mean after all, they are our friends. But kids have no such reference point or shared history.

Tack on the fact that in middle school, kids are trying out new activities and new things – the former tomboy may discover a new talent for the drama club – or may be faced with a best friend who does. And in middle school, groups of friends, or cliques do start to form. Your child will bounce in and out of groups as she starts to find her way. If she finds an activity and sticks with it, then her peer groups issues may be less troublesome, but if she is having trouble finding her “right activity” then these issues can be exacerbated.

At some point, your child will find herself on the outs. Peer groups shift and reform and some children with even low self esteem will try to control the group – the easiest way by turning on one or more members – and it may very well be your daughter’s turn at some point. If this happens, what should you do?

The best parenting advice is that this normal behavior at this point and that it’s best for it to run it’s course – without you stepping in too much. Watch, listen, but do not try to save the day (this means avoiding too much advice-giving). In all liklihood, your child will likely take her frustrations out on you.
Try to steer clear od the day to day dramas. However, do be prepared to step in if you think things are taking a dangerous turn – if bullying or its online cousin cyberbullying rears its ugly head.

And any tips you have for dealing with tween friend crises below!