Well, your daughter is about to go through the same thing, and as a parent, you’ll have to be there for her. But why are tween friendships so filled with drama?

Well, there is a lot going on. Sometimes there is a new campus, more schoolwork as well as the onset of puberty which all lead to some intense peer pressure and consequently a new feeling of insecurity. This means that even small differences of opinions between friends can lead to some outsize blow outs. This is both challenging for kids and frustrating for parents. As moms, we can no more imagine getting a lasting mad on at our best friend – I mean after all, they are our friends. But kids have no such reference point or shared history.

Tack on the fact that in middle school, kids are trying out new activities and new things – the former tomboy may discover a new talent for the drama club – or may be faced with a best friend who does. And in middle school, groups of friends, or cliques do start to form. Your child will bounce in and out of groups as she starts to find her way. If she finds an activity and sticks with it, then her peer groups issues may be less troublesome, but if she is having trouble finding her “right activity” then these issues can be exacerbated.

At some point, your child will find herself on the outs. Peer groups shift and reform and some children with even low self esteem will try to control the group – the easiest way by turning on one or more members – and it may very well be your daughter’s turn at some point. If this happens, what should you do?

The best parenting advice is that this normal behavior at this point and that it’s best for it to run it’s course – without you stepping in too much. Watch, listen, but do not try to save the day (this means avoiding too much advice-giving). In all liklihood, your child will likely take her frustrations out on you.
Try to steer clear od the day to day dramas. However, do be prepared to step in if you think things are taking a dangerous turn – if bullying or its online cousin cyberbullying rears its ugly head.

And any tips you have for dealing with tween friend crises below!

From cliques, to Queen Bees, to shared crushes, there’s no lack of opportunities for friendships to bring your daughter angst. As a parent, how do you help your tween cope with the trials of these relationships? Here are 3 tips to help you help your daughter navigate the bumps and curves along the road of friendship.

Open the Dialogue
In a non-judgmental way, ask you daughter about her friends. Ask her which friend is easiest to talk to, which friend is the best listener, which friend does she have the most fun with, which friend tends to make her upset? By asking your daughter about her friends you are showing her that you care about these relationships. These conversations open the dialogue between the two of you about friendship. If your daughter knows that you are interested in her friendships, she will willingly come to you for advice and solace when she has friend drama.

Be a Listener, Not a Lecturer
It’s tempting to confront your daughter’s friend issues by offering “friendship rules of thumb” (like, always put girl friends before guys or stay away from cliques). Unfortunately, your well-meaning advice may come off as lecturing or judging, which could turn your tween off coming to you at all. Try to spend most of these discussions with your daughter listening, and help her come to wise conclusions on her own by asking her questions. For example, if your daughter discusses feeling left out of a group you might ask her, “How has your situation made you feel about cliques?” This will help her develop the skills she needs to navigate friendships on her own, while still appreciating your advice and care.

Share Stories from Your Tween Years
While many things have changed since you were a tween, the ins and outs of young friendships have not. A great way to help your daughter navigate friend issues is to share friend stories from your own tween years and discuss how you dealt (or did not deal) with these situations. Tell her about a time you had a very jealous friend, a friend others looked at as “uncool,” or a friend you competed with because you had a crush on the same person. Ask you daughter what she would do in these situations or tell her what you did and ask her what she thinks. By doing this, you are helping your daughter create a tool box of skills she may need to deal with her own friend issues in addition to strengthening your own mother-daughter relationship.